Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
