with your own penis?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
