Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
