i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I am midnight drunk by noon
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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