i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
