I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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