I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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