I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
