I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
