you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
