Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
