You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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