Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
