I just pynch a tree in the face
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
