I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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