I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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