yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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