btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Randomize
