I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
