why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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