So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
