highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
