just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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