I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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