hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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