dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I am naked and annoyed.
Randomize
