I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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