just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
