Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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