i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
