I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
