I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
