i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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