someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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