he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
