it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
