3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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