Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
