Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
