Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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