there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
