It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
