its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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