It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
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