i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
