What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm eating all of the evidence.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
