Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The uberlube is also flammable
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
