i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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