Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
