Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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