there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
