my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
