So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
